If you would have told me a few years ago that everything my family was going through then would prepare us for all that would happen in the world throughout these next few years I would have never believed you.

Like never! 

Here I am though, having conversations with my 5-year-old, who has experienced more than I would have expected in her young life and they are conversations where I know she understands. She feels secure enough to talk to me. She can openly share her feelings with me when she wants and needs to. And most importantly she feels reassured after we talk.

But by no means was it an easy road to get this point. And I would have not expected it to happen when it did either. After all, so often we experience difficult life events unexpectedly, without any notice. Today though, I am thankful that this is the type of communication we have with each other even though it was hard to work through.

So how do you talk to your children about difficult topics?

Ones that we may not always have answers for. 

Or even fully understand ourselves, for instance, like oh I don’t know…a global pandemic.

How do we talk to them about illness? Death? War?

Topics that are often not easy for adults to talk to each other about. Let’s face it, topics that no one really wants to ever talk about. Isn’t it so much better to focus on the positive, the good?

Of course. 

But unfortunately, as we all know the bad does happen.

This past year I met a 26-year-old woman who for the first time in her life was experiencing the loss of a loved one. She was so fortunate in her life to have never had to say goodbye or deal with the grief, emotions, and everything else that comes along with losing someone you love.

She admitted how lucky she had been and also admitted that because of this she knew it would be that much harder to experience. She did not know how to handle what was happening or if she could. She did, as we all do, get through it. But she said she felt so alone because no one ever talked to her about difficult topics in her family and they still weren’t.

So now here we are today, caught in the middle of more historic world events for the worse and not the better. Events that change everyone’s lives. Many will change more than others.

I would say it is near impossible to shelter our children from what is happening in the world right now nor should we. They know things are different. They know something big is going on.

Now is a perfect time, if there, unfortunately, has to be one, to talk about difficult things. 

Partly because we have to.

Talking to them will reassure them. It will let them know we are here for them and it is ok for them to have different feelings. To have questions, concerns, and even be confused. After all, we often are too.

Tips To Talk To Your Children About Difficult Topics;

Ask them questions

Yep, make it easier on yourself and find out how much they know. Find out how much they don’t know? Are they fearful of something? We might be tempted to share too much to make sure they understand. More than they need at this point in their life. Asking questions first will prevent you from over-explaining (see below for more in the last tip).

Give them time to ask you questions

Reassure them that whenever they have a question about what is going on they can and should ask you. It’s also so important to take time to really listen. For example, just as I started to cook dinner the other night, that was when my daughter decided to ask one of her more serious questions about everything happening in the world right now. I made sure to stop what I was doing and give her my full attention so I could give her the answer and reassurance she needed. Trust me this is not always easy and I know I often think I can multitask and do just fine, but when you really give someone the chance to be heard when they need it most it does wonders for them, especially our little ones.

Play

One of my favs! 

Why?

Because it is one of the easiest and most natural ways for kids to communicate. After all, it’s probably what they prefer to do over anything else especially when it is with you.

Let them choose what they want to play. For instance, my daughter loves to play with dolls. We played “restaurant” with the dolls and through playing, I was able to talk to her about things she is thinking about right now. What worries her? What makes her happy?.

Do something creative

And no you do not have to be an artist.

Allow them to decide what you will use. Do they want to paint, color with crayons, markers, or sidewalk chalk?

Then give them a topic. 

For instance, ask them to draw a favorite activity they enjoy or a favorite place they like to visit. 

I did this frequently with my daughter after we recently lost my father-in-law unexpectedly. She had spent most days of her life with him and needless to say not only was it a difficult topic to discuss with her, but I noticed early on she was having difficulty expressing herself.

Play and art allowed her to express feelings and questions to me that she did not always have the words for. When I would ask her to draw something she liked to do, she would draw an activity she enjoyed with her Papa such as watching a favorite show together. We were able to talk about how she missed him. How when she watches that show now she can remember him. It helped me know what had changed for her in her life so I knew what she needed from me.

Talk about feelings

Young children especially can have such a hard time telling us how they feel because they do not yet know the words for their feelings. It’s easy to teach happiness, sadness, or even anger. But as adults, we know there is a whole range of emotions we experience especially during difficult times. Talk to your kids about how you feel or how you have felt. Then ask them about how they are feeling. Knowing that you understand how they feel will mean the world to them and help them talk to you more too.

Be honest

Trust me on this one, it will not pay off to lie to your kids.

Kids understand far more than we realize sometimes and teaching them that being dishonest is ok will turn out to be not ok for many reasons. First off you are teaching them they can be dishonest with you and trust me they will. 

There is however the difference between lying and not telling them everything in the moment or at that time in their life. 

In case you’re wondering, well this sounds pretty close to just not being truthful, stick with me.

When we had to say goodbye to our family pup we had to tell our daughter what happened to him. He had died, he would not be coming back home. Not that he was sent to a farm or was just really sick and had to stay at the hospital. But we also did not have to tell her that he became so sick that my husband and I had to decide if he should be injected with a lethal dosage of anesthesia, which stopped his heart and caused him to die.

See where I am going with this. We can be truthful without being detailed in a way that they cannot yet cope with.

Overall be truthful but not so much so that it will be a bit too much for them or more of an explanation than they need. Remember the over explaining we talked about in the first tip. Sometimes they just need us to talk and listen to them.

But First Be Kind To Yourself

This has definitely become my mantra in life. We really truly only can be our best for others if we are kind to ourselves first. Talking to your children about difficult topics is not easy. It is not something we want to do. But it can blindside us. It can happen at a time when we least expect it and when they, our children, need us the most.

Know that you too need to have someone to talk with. Someone to really listen and hear you. I quickly found myself burning out when within a year we lost our family dog and my father-in-law while I was experiencing a high-risk pregnancy along with a newly diagnosed chronic illness. I needed to be there for my daughter but I could not do it while being completely emotionally drained myself. I probably waited too long to ask for help and reach out to my husband, family, friends, and other resources who wanted to help me. As soon as I did though I was able to be so much better for her.

Many pediatricians and general practitioners can make recommendations and referrals for mental health practitioners. Local health departments can do so as well. Many insurance companies also provide referral services as well as Telehealth options with a mental health specialist.

I hope you find these tips helpful and know that you are not alone.

Your Friend Nichole

Click here for a template that you can use as a quick guide to remember some of these tips. Also when you subscribe to my email list you can get templates like this and more straight to your in box along with my latest posts.

Sources;

National Institute of Mental Health, https://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

National Alliance on Mental Illness, https://www.nami.org